blessing vs. comfort

I was thinking today on how I'm unwilling to ask God for an abundant life because I am afraid that it will interfere with my comfort. I want my comfort as opposed to God's abundant blessing. I want to avoid suffering at all costs, even if suffering will bring me to where God wants me to be.

I read recently that Chinese Christians are praying that the American Church would begin to experience persecution, so that it will grow stronger. And I unconciously trembled, thinking "I don't want that! No, please don't pray for that!" I don't want God to use me, if it means that I must suffer. In fact, I realized today, I don't really even want his blessing if it comes with suffering. I am content to lead a mediocre, half-starved life; perpetually comfortable, and perpetually motionless.

I have been fighting this, praying that the Lord would make me willing to do whatever for his glory and the furthering of his kingdom. But I fear I am not yet strong enough to pray for suffering, instead praying timidly for God to help me to desire abundant life.

Lord give me the strength to pray boldly for suffering, for your glory revealed in me, for your consuming fire to burn me so that I can be a flame that others will see.