insufficient

Will I ever be good enough? I don't need recognition, I don't need fame. I just need to know if I will ever be good enough at anything to be effective for the kingdom of God.

I sometimes feel like I'm running in all kinds of circles despirately trying to be complete. And then something happens and someone outdoes me in my own game. And I realize once again that all these attempts of mine are bitterly insufficient.

I can't preach. I might say something nice like "I find my sufficiency in God." But even that doesn't feel like enough. God made homeless people too. What if I am an ineffective worker? What if I succumb to the prevailing opinions? What if I am never a good enough writer and my life's ambition is crushed and I am fruitless?

Didn't Jesus curse the tree that didn't bear fruit? I guess that must imply that we're all capable of bearing fruit, if we set our minds to it. Sometimes, though, the task of setting the mind is too much for me. Or, better, I am too tired for the task. My mind is too exhausted by the daily rounds of life to do anything about preparing myself for the act of bearing fruit.

These thoughts are too much for me today.